Dad

My dad was very honest. I don't know if he had an obsession with honesty or rather an aversion to untruth. I think it was the latter; that he believed "liars never prosper" and "it takes more effort to maintain a lie, then to just tell the truth." But I also think he believed that one's contentment in life is based on integrity: you must see yourself as good and honest, it is an ingredient of self-pride and getting along successfully. The world is not a terribly truthful place. People spend much time boasting and misrepresenting themselves, two things my father despised. He was lucky to be able to have a life where he could maintain such a high level of honesty. Sometimes I considered that level of attachment to principle to be foolhardy; there were times I thought his literal attachment to truth was caused by a sort of Asperger's syndrome. But I was being young and judgmental. As I now go to prayer three times daily to say kaddish, a thing I really don't feel comfortable doing, I am reminded of my father's religious persuasions. Religious people can be quick to judge. They can put religious imperatives in front of you without always taking into account all the multifarious complexities of your particular life. I don't believe my father would have ever asked someone to be more religious them him. He was humble. He kept to Jewish law and Jewish community but was never overly-religious. I can't imagine him taking any happiness in telling someone how to live. Though he doubtlessly held very strong judgments in his heart, I can hardly ever remember him chastising me or telling me, "You should be more religious," you should do this, you should do that, you're doing wrong. Though when he was alive we never spoke or saw each other enough, his existence was a constant reminder to me to never misrepresent, to never lie, to never boast, to stick to the literal truth as far as comfort would allow. One of the saddest things for me now is trying to recreate my understanding of truth and honesty. It's so tied up with my father that I have trouble remembering my relationship to them.